I finished Fleishman is in Trouble weeks ago, but it has lingered in my mind, which is something I consider to be a hallmark of a worthwhile piece of art. Ross Douthat, in a recent column, describes the show primarily as a struggle to exit Daniel Markovits’ Meritocracy Trap and cope with the challenges of a marriage teeming with meritocratic potential. I think this is a sound exegesis, but I want to offer an alternative/complementary take. While my fiancé dreaded the show because of its depressing take on marriage, I think this anti-marriage sentiment is merely surface level; upon further examination, the show is primarily reactionary and urges its viewers to get married and stay married.
Again, on the surface the show seems anti-marriage. In terms of screentime, the show mostly depicts either an unhappy divorced couple or an unhappy married couple and seems to suggest that its marriage that made them unhappy. The show’s paean to marriage comes across through three couples at different stages of the marital life cycle, who I think nicely correspond to the ghosts of A Christmas Carol. First, there is the ghost of marriage past: a recently-divorced couple trying to move on (the Fleishmans). Second, there is the ghost of marriage future: bachelor-for-life (Seth). Finally, there is the ghost of marriage present: a suburban married couple (Libby and Ted). I Each couple’s arc comes out in favor of marriage for a different reason.
The Ghost of Marriage Past
First, let’s consider the Fleishmans, who are, in fact, in trouble. While their marriage brought them both misery, their forays into single life bring more of the same. Toby hops on “the apps” and is initially pleased by the excitement and the casual sex; however, the longer he is single, the more he realizes the apps are disturbing. One of his friends with benefits accidentally flashes his kids and traumatizes them. He tries to elevate another one of the relationships beyond mere sex only to discover that the woman cannot be seen with him in public, as she’s officially married to a closeted conservative news anchor. In short, Toby is frustrated by the divorced man’s options: cold, easy sex with women who are unavailable for further commitment. Rachel’s experience is different but similarly troubled. While her nervous breakdown precludes any app adventures, she gets the opportunity to act out her fantasies with Sam Rothberg, pharmaceutical executive and extraordinary douche. She finds that he has no patience for her emotional needs, and as soon as she requires some support, he leaves. Through both Toby and Rachel’s misadventures with living free and uncommitted, we see the advantages of the intimacy and stability that come with a committed relationship (e.g. you have someone to help you through mental health struggles or to listen to your gripes when you’re passed over for the promotion at work).
There are other, more practical downsides to single life, as well. There’s the toll it takes on the kids. While the son doesn’t seem too bothered, the daughter struggles greatly with Rachel’s absence. She sends a lewd photo at summer camp and the one person she needs most is unavailable. The divorce, along with the unavoidable trauma of growing up in Manhattan, suggest therapy in the kids’ futures. There’s also the career effects. Being a single parent makes it harder to excel in your career, which Toby discovers when he is penalized for taking care of his kids instead of living at the hospital. Moreover, being single can make it difficult to navigate the workplace. Toby eventually hits on one of the residents who seemed to be flirting with him. It goes very poorly (it seems like he may be fired). Married Toby would not have been in that situation. The casualness of “the apps” and modern data culture seem to blur the lines of appropriate behavior for Toby. While the marriage was miserable, the divorce is miraculously not any better. And at the series finale, when Rachel appears to return, there is a palpable relief. The ghost of marriage past suggests that the grass is not always greener and that a troubled relationship may result from poor communication and an unfortunate situation, rather than irreconcilable differences.
The Ghost of Marriage Future
Our next pro-marriage parable is Seth, the early 40s bachelor and proud finance bro. Toby envies Seth. When they get together for an exhilarating bar crawl, Toby announces it would be amazing to do that every night. Seth, on the other hand, shrugs off the Wolf of Wall Street aesthetic because he understands its hollowness. Seth starts the show as the Peter Pan bachelor who doesn’t believe in marriage. He points out that everyone who gets married is obviously in love at the time of their wedding, and then a few years later they are embattled in a vicious divorce. He struggles to want marriage when he knows how often the train derails. Things change for Seth when he gets serious with Vanessa and desires a family. The turning point comes when he accidentally reveals he was fired to Vanessa. He was so full of shame he wouldn’t tell her, and when she finds out, she is warm and accepting. This unconditional support can only come through an intimate relationship and finally reveals the unmatched emotional perks of a committed relationship. He starts to feel like a loser and wants to give marriage and family, his path to a meaningful life, a chance, notwithstanding the significant risk of a messy ending. Seth’s arc seems obviously pro-marriage. The ghost of marriage future tells us that marriage (and family) is inimitable and a source of meaning that many cannot afford to do without.
The Ghost of Marriage Present
Finally, we have Libby. She has the boring married suburban life. At times, it seems like she’s entertaining the idea of divorce. She becomes very aloof, and even disappears for days on end from her family as she struggles with her mid-life crisis. Libby is depressed and can’t stomach the fact that she used to have an exciting life ripe with potential, and now she was a lethargic New Jersey housewife. But, by the end of the show and her neglect of poor Ted Moseby, she realizes that her unhappiness is not because of her marriage. Rather, she realizes she is old, has not achieved career success, and most doors are closed for her. She yearns for the time when she was young. She happened to be single at that time, but that’s not the part that’s relevant! If she leaves her husband, she’ll still be old and unexciting. It’ll be worse though, because she will also be lonely like Toby and Rachel. While Libby’s arc is not obviously pro-marriage, it does suggest that marriage is often the scapegoat for other issues. In other (more confusing) words, it’s anti-anti-marriage. The ghost of marriage present reiterates the ghost of marriage past’s message: marriage and your particular partner may not be the cause of your torment.
Conclusion
Fleishman is in Trouble reminds us of the value of marriage in an admittedly roundabout way, but through its main characters we get a fair warning. Divorced life has few charms, never marrying will leave you feeling empty, and your life may be boring but that’s ok, that’s just what happens when you’re old. I realize this essay is reductive and there is more depth to the show’s messages. I also realize this may simply be the rationalization of a young man who knows very little about marriage but will soon be in its throes. That aside, I recommend the show, which is enjoyable regardless of how it makes you feel about marriage.